Some Reading | 2013 Grammy Awards

I took my sweet time with my usual illustrated recap…

Taylor Swift opens looking like she stole all the costumes from an Alice in Wonderland production…yet, her performance ended up being silly and insignificant.

I wish she didn’t do the “We Are Never blah blah…” song, yes, it totally used to be my jam, but now I’m kinda over it. I really wanted to see that other song she has out…what’s it called again?—EXACTLY. She coulda let me know.

 

As soon as she cleared her circus off the stage, shit got real as LL Cool J’s sexy, dimpled, lip-licking ass came out and set the tone for the whole show. This was about legends and creating Grammy moments not silly songs about past boyfriends.

Ed Sheeran and Elton John…I love that homely little ginger’s voice…yep, he’s great.  The performance was the kind that you turn up so you can still hear it when you go to the kitchen to make dinner…exactly what I did.

Then I almost saw JLo’s vagina as she came out with the annoyingly omnipotent Pitbull who told everyone she inspired the memo to get people not to show too much skin. Not everyone can pull off the whole higher than high slit and by that, I mean no one.

Fun…I find their pocket-sized lead singer a bit annoying. Their performance was uneventful. The cutaway to Janelle Monet reminded everyone of what should have happened...

Dirks Bentley and Miranda Lambert…Only two things made me sit through that performance:
1. I knew the first song because Cassadee Pope sang the shit out of it on The Voice
2. I was waiting for her to burst out of that dress that was about two sizes too small.

Miguel and Wiz Khalifa…Miguel’s vocal gave me life. His Beatle Juice blazer next to Wiz’s printed number made me dizzy, but that’s okay because he literally oozed sex all over that stage…that performance was not long enough for me.

I was happy to see Carrie win for country solo performance; she looked lovely as usual. The cutaway to Idol’s Randy Jackson reminded me that she came from such humble beginnings. She’s so beyond it now, it’s ridiculous.

“Call Me Maybe” didn’t win for Song of the Year…I’m really starting worry about her career. As soon as Jepson stops winning, how will I remember her?

Johnny Depp...dunno why he was there…maybe so Jack White could look normal?

Depp looking just as confused as I was.

Mumford and Sons…So many men….so many instruments. I just feel like all their songs sound exactly the same… ‘twas whatever.

Then Ellen and Bey gave an adorably awkward introduction to the headline act of the whole show…

Justin Timberlake and Jay Z…they put the screen in black and white just for them.

Justin gave me everything you would expect from an artist of his caliber…then Jay Z proceeded up the stage looking extra majestic. I mean I HATE using the word swag, but that was literally the definition--the real, REAL definition, not that shit 14-year-old hipsters came up with... 

The second song featured more of his perfect trademark falsetto vocals and some rather sensual instrumentation. He’s great. Like, really great, but even though I own all three of the N’Sync records, I’ve never been here for his gospel, jazzy, blue-eyed soul or whatever vibe and probably will get sick of hearing that “Suit and Tie” song very soon.

Frank Ocean wins over Still Can’t Calm Down Chris Brown. YES.

Alicia Keys and Maroon 5…Girl on Fire and Daylight collaboration performance… Adam should just always be naked while performing, otherwise I have no reason to pay attention. The song was boring.

Then Alicia comes out pounding some drums; I feel like her vocal improves every time I hear her perform this song and her dress was super cool as well.

Kelly Clarkson wins for Pop vocal and she had to hug like, everyone and her speech was so cute and honest--I didn’t really acknowledge Miguel’s existence until I saw that performance either.

Riri and Mikky Ekko…she looked great in that emerald green slip dress and red lip and the vocal sounded great too. Never heard of Mikky before, but he was kinda cute and I loved his voice. That was one of my favorite performances of the night.

The Black Keys and like, everyone from JT’s orchestra and Mumford and Sons, plus a guy dressed like a homeless Native American…it was a very well-orchestrated ruckus that justified their Grammy win.

Kelly Clarkson…she shut it down and straight up changed my life when she went into “Natural Woman”…so much perfection from her.

Bruno Mars, Sting, Riri and Ziggy and Damian Marley…First of all, “Locked Out of Heaven” is my jam. And he’s like a little Filipino* Ken Doll. I love him.

Unnnf--Sting. So much fine-wine sexy with him.

Then Riri comes out with Ziggy and her tattoo looked like an awkward boobie shadow. Then Damian comes out with his mile-long dreds…it was basically a big ass Rrrrrrosta parrrrtay mon.

(*he's actually a mix of all kinds of brown)

The Lumineers…HAY…..HO………HAY……HO…….HAY….HO.  WHATEVER. Put another song out already and quit with this Seven Drawfs march remix.

Jack White and company….he’s so amazing that he needs two bands. And he always represents vampires so well...

He performed with The Peacocks first (Ruby Amanfu looked gorgeous) and then he rocked out with The Buzzards.  It was perfect.

Hunter Hayes…the cute 21-year-old had some legit pipes as he sang a snippet of “Wanted” then introduced Carrie Underwood.

Carrie Underwood…she first appeared to be made of tin…I was totally put off by that much metallic all up in my retinas…then she went into ‘Two Black Cadillacs” and Whoooooooa—WHAAAT????? CARRIE--YOUR DRESS!!!!! OKAY, THAT WAS SUPER FUCKING COOL. 

I'm pretty sure her dress got nominated for best country solo performance.

THEN PRINCE COMES OUT.

Stands there for a second at the top of the stage...

....then comes down...

....and then speaks.

Each action was monumental.

…and when he said “Oh I love this song”, before announcing the winner, you know all the nominees were really hoping it was them…

Gotye and Kimbra got up there and all I could think of was, who told her to dress like a retarded mermaid…?

Then there was elevator music. Then Ryan Seacrest and Justin Timberlake again. Then they went through all the dead people. The more recent/younger/popular they were, the louder the clapping.

Then Elton John and all these other people performed that I am too young and too un-cultured to appreciate.

Then Juanes’s sexy Latin ass came out and represented for all that Latin sexiness. I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t miiiind--if I lick your face.

Frank Ocean…I loved his virtual athleticism; it was like time stopped when he got up there--just brilliant.

Mumford and Sons won something and commented on how beautiful still fat Adele looks.

Then LL Cool J and all his legendary friends gave us a rock hip hop closer that made me wanna burn something down.

Overall, this show was unexpectedly amazeballs; it was as if they used Taylor Swift as a fake out to make us think this was going to be just another music award show filled with the usual popular, but unremarkable entertainers. Instead, I got a very sophisticated presentation of actual talent that included a combination of lesser-known artists and high quality performances, creating some incredible moments worth talking about for years to come.