Some Readinig | 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

Okay, so the VMAs were supposed to be all extra amazeballs this year so I got all excited and relocated my broke ass to where the cable was. I started watching right from the Preshow…

Austin Mawhothefuckcares (aka Bieber’s Replacement)…He dances better than Bieber and he’s cuter too, but his vocal is the same level of unremarkable. I see it for him as long as he keeps his pants pulled up and Justin continues to act like a coon.

Ariana Grande…She’s a real life Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Her whistle register is reminiscent of Mariah--you know, back when she still sang live.

..she had the silverware dancing. (via Tumblr)

Standout fashion note: Selena Gomez’s half matron, half sex kitten look was incredible. The girl is definitely coming for Rihanna’s red carpet throne. 

via Tumblr

On to the main show...

Gaga’s opener…First of all, when she came on to the screen, it looked like a close up of Humpty Dumpty, but her vocals were on as usual.

post-zoom out…

The geometric ensemble was…well...it was...there. I’m sure all the theatre and symbolism was deep, but I still found her smiling with a booing track in the background a bit unnerving.

Moreover, some of her dancers proved that onesies are not for everyone (mainly the ones with ball sacks and bellies). Nevertheless, the costume changes were impressive going from MC Hammer with a skirt to a mermaid stripper...

I was LIVING for this.

Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus…These two white folks who want so badly to be black sprinkled their stale ratchetness all over the stage…well, mostly just her, but that suit Robin was wearing was just as tacky as Miley’s foam finger masturbation.

I don’t know if I see it for Miss Cyrus anymore, but this could have been prevented--remember when she did that Billy Idol cover at VH1 Divas?

This totally could have worked for me... (via Tumblr)

Is it too late for her to go back in that direction?

The best parts of her performance were all the cutaways to confused and unimpressed spectators.

2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar…when 2 Chainz appeared with that black college dance team, that whole stage show turned around (or turned up, as Kevin Hart would say when he can’t land a joke).  I thought he and Kendrick gave the most Brooklyn-worthy performance.

Iggy Azalea and Lil Kim present and award...I’ve seen Iggy’s dress on the runway before and it looked fab on her, but Lil’ Kim looked a surgical hot mess per usual.

That thing obstructing the full view of Lil Kim is doing you a favor. (via Tumblr)

Kevin Hart…I see why some people don’t find him funny. His presence was irrelevant.

Jared Leto...all he did was introduce Kanye, but I just wanted him somewhere on my blog.

"I'm actually from up there..." (via Tumblr)

YEEZUS...First of all, when will these award show producers learn that censorship totally ruins the viewing experience?

I wish he did “New Slaves” or “Black Skinhead” because I feel like those songs have more performance quality to them, but his appearance was visually memorable nonetheless.

...you don't have to see a god to know he's there.

Then Taylor Swift won something for being Taylor Swift and threw some cheesy shade to Harry Styles…and then Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and a very fat white girl won something for singing about gay people.

Justin Timberlake Vanguard Concert…Here’s literally all my thoughts on Mr. Timberlake: I have never lived for him; I kind of miss his curls; I see him as a classier version of Robin Thicke (which isn’t saying very much); and I still give him side eye for what he did to Janet.

When he finally hit the stage he was giving me all the slick choreo I expected—the part where he grabbed the mic that shot up from the ground during “Cry Me a River” made him the slickest mutherfucker in the world.

…20 minutes later, four lesser bitches join him on stage for about 2 seconds:

JC looked alright because he has been relatively employed…

Joey is still the fat one…

Lance looked good because gays are always better groomed than straight men…

Chris looked a fucking mess.

Their appearance was like Kelly and Michelle popping up at the Beyoncé Bowl: it was cute, but we all know it was all about Beyoncé.

Quick note on A$ap Rocky and that gay basketball player: I’m just gonna say that discriminating against someone for being gay is NOT the same thing as discriminating against someone’s skin color. It’s just not. Moving on.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis plus that fat white girl…Jennifer Hudson’s appearance was the best thing about that performance. I wish she went a little more church, but it was still an upgrade.

I thought it was curious how Austin MahowDidHeEvenWinOverIggy won an award and basically said a speech Justin Bieber already said at one point or another…the kid is a quick study.

T-Boz and Chilli’s appearance gave me so much ‘90s life...

Jumpsuits, platforms and crop tops, oh my! (via Tumblr)

Drake…His was very, very well manicured as usual and his hand choreography was on point as well as the stage production. I don’t even care for "Started From the Bottom", but the performance was actually really good.

Bruno Mars…He gave me all the intense, sexual life I needed, complete with a King Kong graphic. The guy is on the way to legend status based on pelvic thrusts alone. (Honestly, that was kind of the performance of the night and it should have closed the show.)

Katy Perry’s Closer…So I just listened to “Roar” and I dig it; it definitely made a better first impression than "Applause"...but her performance was not a finale performance. 

Additionally, I need her stylist to take a leave of absence and get their shit together because the costuming could have been better and she had a grill in earlier along with a stupid-looking Versace for H&M dress...

However, I will say that her performance was very athletic and I’m sure most people can’t sing a live note after jumping rope.

…but Gaga still shat on her.

Overall, it was certainly a memorable show, but mostly for the spectacles rather than the real performances.