Some Reading | 2013 Billboard Music Awards

First of all, does anyone even remember anything other than this?:

No? Okay, well let's refresh...

Bruno Mars…I love how he always does the cutest little 8 counts in the middle of his songs that look like he and his band just came up with it backstage 20 minutes ago.

As for Tracy Morgan hosting, I could only understand every other joke, plus I saw someone describe him as a coon on Twitter. Accurate.

Selena Gomez…The production looked like someone tee peed the stage; I mean Bieber’s Rihanna isn’t the best singer or dancer, but she tried and I thought the Egyptian/Bollywood thing was cute.

The Band Perry…I’ve heard very little about them, but I enjoyed it. That girl’s fringe dress was amazing and the performance was really well produced; they made a fantastic impression.

Icona Pop…One-Hit Wonders in the making. That is all.

Then Psy had a dance off with Tracy…can someone please call immigration already?

Chris Brown…I’ve seen Usher do that performance 10 years ago…and Ne-Yo too. And he sounded fucking terrible when he wasn’t lip-synching. Ugh…can hoodrat black girls quit supporting him already? His Karate sequence reminded everyone why he should and should not have a career at the same time…

Oh, and good for Orianthi for doing whatever she can to ride that dead Michael Jackson wave.

Speaking of which, how long is Carly Rae Jepson going to ride this Call Me Maybe wave--seriously, HOW LONG?

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis…He obviously thrifts at Salvation Colony.

That jacket probably was .99 cents though...

 

I’m not always into the whole white rapper thing, but the man actually put on a good performance complete with ‘90s looking dancers and a man in full on Atlanta church wear. I was here for it.

Taylor Swift…It’s hard not to hate her all the time, but that had to be one of my favorite performances from her. 

 

She danced with the Jabbawockeez, gave me at least 75 percent live vocals and the outfit was cuteness. Well done my fellow tall skinny bitch.

Kacey Musgraves…I wasn’t here for that depressing ass shit…mainly because the lyrics in the second verse were basically my life.  And my life is depressing. NEXT.

Madonna Tribute…Watching her twerk in that montage was uncomfortable, but I have to admit, at 96 years old, that bitch is killing it and she still shits on all of the new girls.

Justin Fucking Bieber…Ugh. Usher, come get your understudy. I’m so over it. 

Then my girl Taylor won in a category where One Direction was nominated twice--TWICE. This bitch cannot be held down.

Pitbull and Christina Aguilera…The only thing worth noting was that she actually looked skinny and like, GOOD.  

via Tumblr

 

That dress fit her, the tan wasn’t hurting my eyes and the hair and make up was on point. Now if she can just start selling number one records again…

Then Miley comes out to present an award in all her Balmain fierceness.

via Tumblr

....her “bitch please” expression after saying Bieber’s name gave me so much life. 

Miguel…He started off sexy, but as soon as that screen lifted and he decided to jump across the crowd in those tight ass pants and slippery ass shoes…sigh. ‘Twas unfortunate.

I just hope people aren’t only going to remember him for that performance because he actually is quite talented.

Ed Sheeren…His music is a direct contrast to his face.

Pitbull and JLo…She basically gave us a Britney performance from 10 years ago…oh, and in case her outfit looked familiar…

via Tumblr

Will.I.Am and Justin Bieber…Will could have done without the Canadian baggage. Obviously.

David Guetta, Akon and Ne-Yo…I hate Akon about as much as I hate Pitbull, but I’m here for Ne-Yo because he gives me vocals and sometimes second-rate Usher choreo.

Justin wins something else…apparently he was too damn young to be winning it and there was booing and he talked about gimmicks and not speaking of him becoming the new Lindsay Lohan.

MOVING ON.

Nicki Minaj and Lil’ Syrup Sippin’ Cockroach Wayne…First off, when she walked out, I said YES NICKI; that was one of my favorite performance looks from her. Her rap flow was on--AND THEN SHE TWERKED THOSE BUTT IMPLANTS LIKE A PRO.

Epic levels of delicious ratchetness. I was here for it and I’m not even close to sorry.

When Janelle Monae and Erykah Badu came out, I immediately realized they would make an amazing lesbian couple...

I ship them. (photo via Tumblr)

Prince…He closed the show with his kick ass all-female band and natural hair. It was electric.

Only one arm of fringe needed. Only one.

Overall, probably one of the worst awards shows I’ve ever seen. It was mostly a bunch of amateurs with a lot to learn and forgettable performances from people bringing nothing new to the table. At least Miguel gave us something to laugh at for the next few days.

Day 21...doing my best to avoid the bullshit.