Some Reading | 2014 MTV Video Music Awards

I'm so glad I managed to get moved in and get cable set up just in time...

Ariana Grande’s opening…she continues to look like some sort of Care Bear gogo princess--it’s whatever though, I’m just glad her crotch was covered this time.

That bodysuit was right out of Mariah’s closet yet clearly inspired by Beyoncé…unfortunately this had no effect on her stage presence.

Nicki Minaj…The juxtaposition between her and Ariana was almost jarring; the Nickelodeon star can learn a lot about how to properly stomp it out on stage. Nicki slayed and I loved the mesmerized look when they cut to Rita Ora’s face...it was clearly too much booty for her.

I actually think it's real...

Jessie J with Ariana Grande and a very uncomfortable Nicki Minaj…Jessie J is so underrated and I don’t really think Ariana added anything to complement her already stellar vocal, but they harmonized very well together without it turning into a newbie diva screaming match. I felt so bad for Nicki’s rather obvious wardrobe malfunction, but I’m glad she kept it professional and her dress didn’t fall off—can’t be showing all that booty and then titties only 60 seconds later...

Jessie: "Oh no you won't out sing me, hunny!" Ariana: "Nobody even knows who you are--whoooahahaaoaa!" Nicki: "My stylist is so fired."

The host: SNL comedian Jay Pharaoh…his first comedy set was dry.

Taylor swift…Just another high quality production to distract from her low quality vocal.  When she was promenading across the stage I could tell she’d been working on her pigeon-toed gait though, so good for her.

Jay Pharoah again…his Jay Z impression--flawless.

Jim Carey and that other white guy just made me miss Robin Williams even more. That was actually a compliment.

Sam Smith…I love that song and the performance was amazing...his hairline still irks me though...

Rapper Common’s note on Ferguson…it was tasteful…and I was happy the nominations for best hip hop video did not include Macklemore.

...then Jay Pharoah's Kanye impression had me laughing kind of loud.

Usher and a much more put together Nicki Minaj…Usher could have had the throne if Bey had let him…I don’t know what happened honestly, but every time I see him it’s like a really well-rehearsed version of what he did last time

…always the same dance moves…

…same dancers…

…even the same colors…

…I think his gig has gotten a little stale. I don’t know what that song was and I don’t even care.

I was actually living for the over-sized bunny ears, so high fashion.

5 Seconds of Summer…summer is almost over so I think they only have a few more seconds left.

Iggy Azalea and Rita Ora…they looked like very sexy superheroines. I was into it, but it would have been better if Rita Ora had taken a few more liberties with her vocals, the girl isn’t just a footnote in Rob Kardashian’s pathetic love life.

Maroon 5…I have never really cared about this band (and Adam Levine apparently never really cared about the VMAs), but I appreciate how they always managed to put out a jam every summer.  

I don’t think Miley should have won video of the year (Pharrell should have; “Happy” changed lives while her video was more ridiculed than celebrated), but I thought it was wonderful that she gave that homeless white kid a chance to get his message out. Really, I did.

THE QUEEN IS SUDDENLY ON THE SCREEN WITHOUT ANY INTRODUCTION BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY SHE DOES NOT NEED ONE AND I’M HAVING A SMALL HEART ATTACK….IT’S GETTING BIGGER…OMG…OMG…OMG--

Everything just starts flowing into my brain at once: Mine…Haunted…No Angel…Jealous…Blow…Drunk in Love…OMG BLUE!!!...Rocket...Partition…Superpower intro/Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie into Flawless…omg Blue started turning up and I noticed a little bit of snot under her nose had glitter in it maybe it was gold--it was magical…’Yonce…outro of Heaven into Blue…XO…I was totally about to cry now…

It almost looks like Blue has some notes for the Queen...

And then it was all over way too soon (well, not really, I stayed up until 5 am watching it over and over and over).

It wasn’t until during the anointing of her presence that I realized the entire show had been a production of female power and sexuality (straight up pussy power if I’m being completely honest). Starting with the awkward blossoming sexuality of Ariana Grande to the overt and self-possessed sexuality of Nicki Minaj and ending with the most exemplary form of female power and sexual expression in our generation. I was so here for it.

Fashion Faves 

Her highness's red carpet dress was gorgeous, but I thought this one (worn for the press room) was more of a fashion risk for her that really hit the mark.

Jessie J looked absolutely delectable although the color is a little out of season.

This was my favorite crop top/high waist combo on the carpet (a big fashion theme of the night too). Jourdan Dunn looks so simple and sleek here.

Cute and understated. The natural look continues to impress.

Nina Dobrev looked fittingly vamped out.

Honestly, the hemline should have been shortened to accommodate her small frame, but she looked so wonderfully effortless and edgy in this geometric print.

I appreciated her homage to Rose Mcgowan's iconic look (I think Amber did it better).

Charli killed it. The tailoring, the styling, the hair and make up--everything made this wild look absolute perfection for me.

Kylie Jenner left me breathless with this look...do I dare say she did it better than Rihanna?

Nick Jonas is quietly (and randomly) stealing my heart. So grown and sexy.

...and I've decided to include a "What the fuck was going on here?" section:

Thousands of dollars of leather styled to look like a "holla for a dolla hooker" uniform.

Unfortunately those stretch marks across the dress just proved a fake booty isn't for everyone; she was literally bursting at the seams making this otherwise ethereal design look cheap.

I'm trying so hard to get into her new look, but it's probably because she was trying too hard with this look.

I was shocked at how badly this missed...it missed by about three whole inches actually.

I know a lot of people were living for this, but Queen Britney did it so much better that this came off insulting...especially considering it's not Halloween and who the fuck is Riff Raff?

*photos from Tumblr and yours truly.

It was legit the greatest VMAs I’ve seen in a very, very long time. Everyone played their position, sang and danced the very best they could and created moments that would stand as milestones in their careers, all done without any gimmicks or games.

…then Queen Bey shat on all of them and it was so beautiful.

Some Reading | 2014 Billboard Music Awards

As soon as I saw that Pitbull was opening, I knew this would quite possibly be an unremarkable presentation...

Pitbull, Jennifer Lopez and Some Brazilian Chick I Will Never Hear About Again...Pitbull's chant singing was annoying, why do all bad rappers have to do that? 

JLo looked great, but I thought it was cool that they turned her mic down.

...hosted by Ludacris...okay. He is one of the best rappers out of the south and as long as he's not LL Cool J or Pitbull, I'm good.

One Republic...Ryan Tedder's haircut makes him look less ugly. However, his strained falsetto still makes me wince just a bit.

I  don't care if this wasn't from the show, he constantly looks like he's trying to hit a note that simply isn't there.

Charli XCX, Iggy Azalea and Ariana Grande... So Iggy and Charli looked like the cool girls in class who everyone hated, but wanted to be. I thought they were superb.

Ariana...There was something sort of overly cutesy about her performance, despite the fact that the camera man was doing his best not to up skirt her. Nevertheless, her vocals were on point and the production was great.

I'm surprised Disney cosigned that hemline...then again, maybe not.

Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan...Lukes hips don't lie, but seriously they all looked like a washed up boy band from the late '90s.

Shakira...um, so her vocal is like--an acquired taste. I'll just leave it at that. She looked amazing as usual.

....then Kendall Jenner proves why she'll never be a spokesmodel...

"Hahahaha! Reading good is for ugly people."

5 Seconds of Summer...Imma give 'em about 5 more seconds, but I do appreciate that they can play instruments.

Katy Perry...Candyland on acid...or something. It was all flash and forgettable.

I feel like she sleeps in this onsie.

Imagine Dragons...They're great, but every performance is kind of the same for me...

More drums than they can play...and literally the only thing I was inspired to draw.

MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON KILLED IT AND HE WASN'T EVEN THERE.

...so are they going to bring back Aaliyah too?

Luke Bryan (again)...he was just one of the recycled performers that night.

Lorde..."Tennis Court" is my favorite song by her and I thought she did great; her awkward hand dancing has really improved.

Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert...suminbadizbouttahappen! A little screechy, but still cute.

John Legend...we get it, you love your supermodel wife, but your public affection is starting to gross me out more than Robin Thicke's constant begging for forgiveness. I'm just glad Chrissy found a hair style that works for her weird dumpling face:

Jason Derulo...that first song was stupid. The rest was very Chris Brown-ish complete with a trampoline and very well-executed choreography. He'll have a career as long as Chris Brown stays behind bars.

Miley Cyrus and the Flaming Lips...I don't know what she did in the middle of the song that got edited out for being too hot for ABC, but her vocal was on as usual and I honestly thought the gold confetti coat was legendary:

This is a screen cap of a gif...all I could find was either pixs of her with her tongue out or her legs open so...

Robin Thicke...his thin, throwaway vocals made for a boring performance; I was ready to move on faster than Paula Patton.

Jennifer Lopez...that entrance was awesome, she always knows how to throw down on stage even if she can't sing. There might be some dispute, but the bitch is a mogul and has had a hit every summer for the past ten years; I think she deserved the highest of the high legendary icon or whatever award.

Fashion Faves

Super sleek and sexy.

Iggy's red carpet style is always something to talk about. I loved this Zuhair Murad dress.

I thought Kelly actually did the best job of bearing boobies and midriff simultaneously.

Her coat was everything--gothic Sesame Street at first--but then--EVERYTHING.

It was actually this gorgeous jewel tone on TV. Best dressed man even though Pitbull was there.

I will never stop marveling at Kylie's transformation....

....even her bitch face is on point.

*All photos from Tumblr.

Overall, the award show was kind of forgettable with the exception of Michael Jackson being risen. Some people did more than just show up and some were just there, filling time. Even though I think it's important to showcase some fresh faces and rising stars, I hope next year they can have a more memorable impression.