Another Sunday, another award show--the American one this time. Here's what I saw go down....
First off, Pitbull was hosting--AGAIN. I did my best to ignore his presence for the rest of the night.
MOVING ON
Taylor Swift’s opening...I have to say her new album is very tempting…but I honestly feel like she has enough money already and I cannot purchase music from someone I feel I can out-sing.
 |
| Her facial expressions were on point though...but that was about it. |
The stage production was spot on as usual; her dress was exquisite and I’m glad she used a massive amount of playback because the song is actually cute and I hate when her live performances ruin her songs. Yay for moderately talented white girls.
Then Pitbull came back...I like how he had a brainfart when he got to the stage. His jokes were dumb. The Spanish inserts were dumb. Everything he did was dumb. Pitbull is dumb.
One Direction wins something. They’re not even American. Go back across the pond already.
Charli XCX...I love her commitment to the '90s…
really, I do…but I was living for that costume change, she does vampy sex kitten so well—with comfortable shoes at that. I was scared she would fall out of her bra when they flipped her over though.
 |
| I hope she took a shower...for that green bunny's sake. |
Her performance was glorious.
Wyclef Jean and Magic?...honestly, I’ve been hearing that song all over the place and kind of hating it so I never knew who they were…I hate reggae music…it just has one beat that doesn’t go anywhere. The performance was a bathroom break.
Then an Australian white woman wins in a rap/hip hop category…and she brings a coon up to validate her award.
 |
| ...apparently this is the only female rapper he thinks can rap. |
....it was unnerving to say the least.
 |
| I actually thought there were five-whatever, the middle one is my favorite, whoever he is. |
5 Seconds of Summer...summer is fucking over--but I WILL give them credit, that first white boy, the one with the short blond hair, he can actually sing really well and I loved their energy. Okay random white boys, points for y’all.
Imagine Dragons…lots of lasers and smoke…and there was choir this time instead of extra drums. The song sounded cool, but basically exactly like all their other ones. It was kind of underwhelming, but I still like them.
 |
| That duster looked gross. |
Sam Smith and Asap Rocky...Sam stays looking like a chubby alter boy and I thought that performance was boring with Asap not really adding any flare.
 |
| Some people on Tumblr thought this was a mockery of the Black Panther symbol, I think that's splitting hairs, but I wouldn't be surprised if her ignorant ass actually thinks that's what the Black Panthers symbol looks like. |
Iggy Azalea and Charli for like a second…All that dancing and rhyming…still not impressed.
Lorde…I liked how she started off alone in a cube and then danced like she was still alone in a cube. Girl went off though so I'm not even trying to shade her.
One of the best performances of the night.
Ariana and the Weeknd…first of all, two of the greatest vocals I’ve ever heard together...I can’t even handle it. Her opening medley was gorgeous. Something about her appearance, the black lace and the soft half pony (as opposed to the severe one) made her look…her age.
 |
| So much sexier when you look with your ears. |
However, the Weeknd appeared looking under-dressed as fuck. Is he not signed so he doesn’t have the funds for a stylist? Could someone at least get him some nice shoes or something? I don’t care how lined up his edges were, his dreads (or whatever the fuck that is) looked like they smelled bad.
Pitbull did something else. It was an endorsement for a disgusting alcoholic beverage. Then his one black friend Ne-Yo came in looking tacky as fuck…the song was dumb and the performance was forgettable. I refuse to document it with an image of any kind.
 |
| ...that confused, forlorn expression to me was just so strange. I did not understand nor do I want to. |
Selena Gomez…she starts off talking about Justin Bieber. That was a little much for me. In fact it was very awkward…and that imagery in the background…so dramatic and just. Too. Much. And what was she mouthing? Oh, ‘thank you Jesus’, for what? A career that largely benefits from her associations with bigger more talented people, or what?…wtf was all that nonsense? WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? I cannot. I commend her for actually singing live and singing well though. She looked great from the neck down.
 |
| Kinda liked his jacket too. Okay that's TWO good things to say. |
One Direction…I love Harry’s voice (that is the ONLY good thing I will ever say). The performance was a snooze though.
Lil’ Wayne and Christina Milian…I bought this girls first album, that
"AM to PM" song was my jam. They had the third stage set to include flames so it really wasn’t that impressive. The song was dumb and kind of gross because I don't want to imagine Lil' Wayne having sex with anyone.
Nicki Minaj ft. Skylar Grey…Nicki looked AMAZING. I don’t know anything about Skylar, but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be impressed with her singing or not…like, Nicki could have sang all that and it would have had the same effect.
Dick Clark Award of Excellence to Taylor Swift. I don’t even care, one wrong move and Queen Beyonce can end her entire life. We all know she should have won that award
which they basically made up just to give to her.
Fergie and some black rapper meant to validate her rapping that was still better than Iggy's rapping…I haven’t seen her do anything in a minute...however, I felt like she was too old to be wearing like--ALL that she was wearing. What was the random removal of clothing for? For what? To show us more of that tacky bodysuit? Why? Nobody asked for it. The song was annoying.
Garth Brooks…he’s been famous since I was in third grade…anyone remember when he had that alter ego or whatever? Chris Gaines. I miss Chris Gaines.
Mary J. Blige…I liked her quiet stage production. No flames or anything. The understated nature of it all made me want to pay attention even more. It was refreshing and one of my favorite performances of the night.
Jessie J, Ariana and Nicki…After Blige's quiet performance, the sparkles were back in full force. Nicki’s natural hair look was stunning on her and all her clothes were on. They looked amazing and sounded great. It was lovely.
JLo and Iggy…I've never heard the song before and I thought the Madonna "Vogue" intro was intriguing. The flashdance moves were so JLo, but ironically, that body suit made her look like she had a small booty. The choreo was very 2nd rate Beyonce (that’s was me being nice, I could have said third rate because we all know JLO can’t sing). Overall, good production as expected, but still somewhat forgettable. I think I would have found it more memorable if she
fell on her booty like she did last time.
Fashion Faves...I think almost everyone really tried.
 |
| We've seen this look from her before, but I'm still living for it; the shoes were fabulous. |
 |
| Clean, precise glam from Miss Kendall |
 |
| Kate Beckinsale stole the show. This woman doesn't age and she always looks flawless. |
 |
| Always flawless. Loving the minimalist styling. |
 |
| He looked like a rock star in a very sexy way as opposed to a cheesy one. |
 |
| That thread count tho...so luxe. |
 |
| I wondered if that top knot hairstyle was a nod to her ex-boyfriend's sister in light of that infamous Paper magazine cover. |
 |
| Old Hollywood glam from Mary J. |
 |
| She wore a variation of this for her performance and even though her vocals sucked the vampy look did not. |
 |
| I love when she does short dresses, so cute. |
 |
| This is one of the most perfectly tailored pantsuits I have ever seen. Well done once again Jessie J. |
 |
| I did not care for that black dress she wore, but I stan for her so I'll focus on the positive, this look was so much fun. |
 |
| Yes, it could have used some steam, but Zendaya is always taking fashion risks I really appreciate; this color palette was stunning on her--and of course her hair was glorious. |
 |
| I don't even watch The Walking Dead, but Danai Gurira slayed my whole life. |
|
...and Fashion not-so-favorites...
 |
| It made her look old and fat. |
 |
| How does such a beautiful color end up looking so cheap? Oh, must be the trying-too-hard crisscross nonsense. |
 |
| Those pants and those orthopedic shoes make him even fatter. |
 |
| I don't know who she is, but this hurt my eyes a little. |
**All non drawings from Tumblr
I mean, I gotta keep this totally real: that was three hours of cultural misappropriation and seen-it-before bullshit. Even though it was nice to see some new talent being showcased, I still wish it was done with more flare and maybe less flames (literally, like, there was fire every other performance). Aside from the highlights previously noted, I don't really think there was anything too special about this presentation.
